Thanksgiving

Well, I've survived the night before Thanksgiving, somewhat. My mind keeps going to my father and hoping that he's in a good place. I miss him a lot. I can't wait till Friday, when I go see my stepmother (his widow). Then I'll be with family - always a good thing.

Just a few thoughts.

Today started off like any other for me. Good class this morning. As it progressed though, I began to think back on the events of the past year: loss of my father, going back to school, and yearning for finding my mother who has been missing for almost a decade now. I realized how much I have been through the past eleven months and how much I've been through over the past 30 years. I also look at where I'm at now and think: will I ever get somewhere with my life? Is all I have to deal with ever going to end? I know now, as opposed to ten years ago, that I really do hold my own life in my hands. These two hands that have experienced a lot of the bad the world has to offer. These events have greatly impacted me over the years - they've made me stronger and now, finally, more motivated and determined than I ever have been. I know somewhere Dad is looking down on me, and I want him to know - honestly, that I am doing all I can in my life to make him proud and show him the son that he never got to see. I hope that Mother is somewhere safe and I pray that she thinks of me as I think of her. I love you both, and I know that regardless of what went on between the two of you - that you both loved me and my brother more than we will ever know. As the holiday's are upon me now, I plan on spending them with my family. My nephew, Jacob, is in my life now. My stepmother is in my life now. My Uncle, who is battling so much with his illnesses, is still in my life. And my new family member, Mark, is in my life as well. I am grateful for all of them - I don't think they will ever realize how much. Thank you all for making this year better for me. I love you all and Happy Thanksgiving!

Death

Today, I received the news that no one my age wishes or wants to hear.  My father, aged 50, died this morning in his workshop.  At first, and even still, the shock is full on - coupled with tears.  I never really got to know him.  He and my mother separated in 1986, when I was only 6 years old.  The animosity she had towards him was always something that kept my brother and I from having a fruitful relationship with him.  I wouldn't see him again till I was 16. My birthday.  He came over and gave me a birthday present: an acoustic guitar.  My mother never nurtured my music in that manner - she would never come to any of my concerts.  But yet, this man who I shared blood with - the very man, my mother called a jackass daily - acknowledged my musical talent.  I wouldn't see him again till 2003 - 2004, when he had a severe seizure that ended him up in the hospital.  I was naive then.  I wanted the relationship with my father - but was afraid to actually get that relationship.  Today, after receiving the news this morning, I regret my naivete.  I know, dad, that you are in a better place now.  Where you won't have to deal with the pangs of existence.  I will miss you.  I wish I had had the chance to share the joys the future holds for me.  I wish I had the chance to share the fruits of my work with you.  I wish I had the chance to get to know you.  To learn from the lessons you saw in life and to relish every moment of life - right to your old age.  I love you, Dad.